Resilience: The Fine Line Between Bullsh*t and Something Useful

‘This is how you become resilient…’ Or similar, is something you’ve probably seen on your favorite social media platform.

I’ve written about resilience before. In fact, I probably use the word too often. I get pulled in by a Stoic quote or a quick-hit Goggins reel on YouTube like anyone else.

It all sounds good on paper: be more resilient, rise to the demands of life, and bounce back stronger than before. And yeah, I say this stuff a lot — because there’s truth in it. The truth is that if we had better control of our bodies, stress levels, and more time to work on ourselves, we’d have more in the tank when life tests us. That’s definitely helpful.

But there’s a side to all the talk about resilience that we need to be careful with. A line that, if crossed, turns something useful into something unhelpful — even harmful.

Here’s the dark side: being convinced that the problem is us — that if only we had the balls to be better, we’d be thriving.

We can’t expect people to become resilient by memorising a few quotes or learning some mental tricks. Real resilience doesn’t come from motivational soundbites. It comes from being nurtured in environments where we’re loved, supported, and gently tested. Where we’re gradually exposed to decision-making, problem-solving, failure, and growth. Where we see others adapt, take the hit, and keep going — and where we’re allowed to do the same, in our own time.

The sad truth? For most of us, any resilience we’ve got is a fluke — cobbled together from our upbringing, some circumstantial luck, and maybe a few personality quirks. Most of us weren’t taught it. We just survived and learned as we went.

And about Goggins — let’s be honest, not all of us are going to forge some intense mental armour and sign up for special forces. And that’s okay.

The issue is what resilience-talk is turning into: a subtle form of blame. A narrative that says, “If you’re struggling, it’s your fault. You just haven’t built enough grit yet.”

Still in a job you hate? Not thriving in life? Haven’t run that ultramarathon? Must be a resilience issue. If only you tried harder. Said the time-rich, money-rich guru to the stressed-out bloke working two jobs to support his family.

Learning, developing, and growing into someone who can take on challenges is always going to be harder when you’re barely staying afloat — and too many people are in that exact situation.

By all means, disagree with me and keep making clickbaity reels for Insta or TikTok. You might appeal to — or even help — a privileged few with time and money on their hands. But for the people who actually need support? That kind of stuff just makes them feel more hopeless.

Resilience Can’t Grow in a Vacuum

If you’re genuinely interested in helping people become more resilient — not just selling the idea of it — then you’ve got to talk about the environment people are stuck in.

People aren’t weak — the system is heavy:

• A cost-of-living crisis that makes survival feel like a luxury.
• Chronic health issues that grind people down.
• Cheap, addictive food and growing waistlines.
• Mental health services with ridiculous waiting lists.
• Poor working conditions, zero-hour contracts, and no job security.
• A political and economic system detached from the average person.
• Constant pressure to hustle, optimise, and smile through the grind.
• Generations raised without real role models for resilience.
• A lack of driven, positive people around us to help us grow.

These are the waters people are swimming in. And too often, the message is “Swim faster” instead of “Let’s fix the current.”

Building Resilience Isn’t Sexy

Here’s the sad bit: real, useful resilience — the kind that actually helps people — isn’t sexy. It won’t go viral. It won’t sell merch. It’s a bit boring, really.

But it works:

• Have a hobby.Something that floats your boat and you want to improve at. Even better if it’s outdoors. Bonus points if it’s with a few mates. Think walking group, birdwatching, climbing, CrossFit, golf — anything that challenges you.
• Prioritise rest.Have a proper day off every week, or few hours here and there. Let your nervous system downshift. Most of us don’t need some elite biohacking routine — we just need permission to rest without guilt. You don’t keep your phone running with multiple apps 24/7 do you. You’ve got to plug it in at some point.
• Be around people you love.Meet up with friends and family. Human connection is one of the most protective and important things we have.
• Sleep properly.It’s foundational. If you’re struggling, learn more about it. A few simple changes to your routine can go a long way.
• Find meaningful stress.The kind that shapes you, not shatters you. The stuff that makes you feel good after.
• Eat well.Nothing extreme. Just don’t be daft. Whole foods, good protein, fewer ultra-processed snacks. My favourite motto? More often than not. Eat well more often than not — without turning it into a guilt-ridden all-or-nothing game.
• Get Vitamin D.Take the supplement and get outside when you can — especially in the morning.
• Move your body.Whether it’s lifting, running, stretching, or walking — movement must be part of the equation.

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Let me give you an example.

In my early 20s, the furthest I’d run was maybe a few kilometres on a treadmill. I was fairly fit but a 5K felt rough. Hearing people talk about half-marathons? I thought they were mad. Then I started spending time around military personnel, people who did harder, bigger things. Over time, those challenges stopped sounding crazy and started sounding… possible. Eventually, I thought, I’d like to give that a go. And I did.

But none of that would’ve happened if I hadn’t started moving in the first place. And moving in the first place wouldn’t have happened if I did have people in my life who helped me move in that direction. So sign up for that little event — it’ll help break down those mental obstacles. Love the process, not just the outcome.

Then There’s the Harder Stuff

This might be the biggest piece of the stress-control/resilience pie.

Sometimes, the real weight in our lives comes from things that feel outside our control:

• A toxic workplace
• A grinding commute
• Financial instability
• Difficult relationships
• Systems that make it hard to breathe

You might not be able to change it all overnight, but you can start:

Work towards a job that gives you purpose, pushes you now and then, and pays fairly. Might sound simple. It is not and might be the hardest bit. Sometimes we do have to resign ourselves to jobs we don’t really want just to make ends meet.

• Ditch materialism.You don’t need the latest iPhone. Save the money. Choose experiences. I can’t tell you how to do this as I don’t have a clue. But I’m fully aware of the stress of being in the rat race.
• Address tough relationships.Whether that means working on them or walking away — both are valid.
• Make new friends.This is underrated. New mates = new standards. You can’t keep being a dick as you won’t be able to retain mates. Friends mean you can receive and give compassion, a building block to resilence.

Final note

If you are in the game of telling people on how to build resilience you’ve got to support people to do the basics well. Foundations first.

Resilience is not a badge. It’s not a brand. It’s a practice — slow, boring, repetitive. But it’s real.

Let’s stop flogging resilience like it’s a lifestyle accessory, where the individual is solely to blame if they aren’t resilience. Lets start making space for people to grow it properly — by highlight the broken systems and societal factors at play. Finally lets try our best to get others supported, gently challenged, nourished, and seen.