Directionless? Let Values Be Your Compass

Over the years, I’ve had the pleasure of lending an ear to other professionals, engaging in lectures and training across a broad range of therapies. I have also enjoyed delivering groups, workshops, and seminars professionally and with Stand Tall. I don’t claim to be an expert in anything at all. However, of all the topics I cover with participants, there is one aspect of a particular therapeutic approach that anecdotally seems to resonate, especially with the men I work with. This aspect is values, integral to the wider therapeutic approach of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

In the journey of modern life, it’s often cluttered, messy, chaotic, and filled with tough decisions that aren’t as straightforward as ‘I need to run from that bear’. We spend a lot of time making decisions and choices, some instinctive, some requiring more thought. With endless decisions to make, it can be difficult for us to choose what’s best for us. When you add mood and emotions into the mix, it’s even less likely that our decisions will serve our best interests.

When stress, depression, or anxiety hit, day-to-day choices can become difficult, and the choices we do make often cause us more pain, perpetuating a vicious cycle. For example, take Dave. He is stressed and anxious, and money is tight. He’s working hard to make ends meet in a job he doesn’t enjoy. This seems reasonable, necessary even, right? But what if these decisions are straining his relationship with his family, ruining his sleep and physical health, thus causing more pain? Dave can’t see any alternative. He just keeps pushing on. What happens next? He needs time off work; he’s burnt out and has burnt bridges, unable to earn overtime. By trying to fix one problem, he has created more. Now he is living a life he never wanted, suffering even more.

How could we help Dave? What piece of knowledge might make a difference? Enter values. Dave has never considered what he values in life.

What are values?
Values can be various things. They might be activities that bring you meaning or aspects of your life that are particularly important. They represent how you want to see yourself and will evolve and grow throughout your life. A goal is something you want to achieve, like going to the gym twice a week and losing a few pounds. A value, on the other hand, is the reason you want to achieve that goal. This might be ‘being a healthy dad for my children’. A useful way to think about it is that a goal is a point on a map, while your values are the compass direction. If you indulge in Ben and Jerry’s and binge-watch Netflix series for the fifth night in a row, you are rapidly moving to a point on the map that is 180 degrees from where your compass is pointing. At its worst, this deviation from your values can fuel self-loathing, stress, and anxiety. Of course, some ice cream and a Netflix series are okay from time to time.

In making decisions and facing challenges, our values act as a guiding compass. They are not just abstract concepts but are deeply embedded in our actions, decisions, and the way we perceive the world around us. The framework of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), as explored in “The Oxford Handbook of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy”, highlights the profound impact of aligning our lives with our core values.

Why look at your own values?
Here’s a common scenario many of us, even the most proactive, face. Tomorrow you plan for an early morning run, swim, or gym session. You’re motivated and determined. All that stands between you and your workout is a night’s sleep and an alarm clock. The alarm goes off, but you’re absolutely exhausted. You immediately assess how you feel and think: ‘I feel terrible and need the extra hour. I can do the gym after work’. You rationalise with yourself but eventually succumb to the comfort of your bed.

Now, imagine that instead of being guided by a groggy feeling to make decisions, you were attuned to your values. Instead of thinking ‘I feel terrible’, you tell yourself, ‘I value my health and fitness…I am a better parent and person when I feel good about my health…I value my gym buddies’. Would this make a difference? Quite possibly. It’s important to realise that having values can:

• Serve as motivational forces, propelling us forward even in the face of obstacles.
• Make decision-making easier. They can make us more flexible in goal-setting and kinder to ourselves.
• Aid personal growth.
• Provide a strong foundation which acts as a buffer against stress and adversity.

One of the most powerful messages explained to me by one of my colleagues is that when it comes to values, you have the right to make decisions that don’t align with your values. You have the right to do what you want. But if you choose to move away from your values, that’s on you and you alone.

Finding Your Values
This will require some introspection, and there are various ways and approaches to do this. I’m not an ACT therapist, and what I know about ACT comes from my colleagues and two books by Russ Harris: ‘The Happiness Trap’ and ‘ACT Made Simple’. Russ is a prominent figure in ACT, and these books are fantastic. They include great exercises, some of which are about finding values. So here are some steps to start thinking about your values:

1. Heart Reflection: Ask yourself what truly matters to you. Consider what you want your life to stand for.
2. Pinpoint Qualities: Identify key qualities you value, like honesty, creativity, or courage.
3. Life’s Compass: View your values as a compass guiding your life’s journey. They’re directions, not destinations.
4. Write It Out: Jot down your values. This helps make them clear and tangible.
5. Life Check-In: Assess how your current life aligns with these values. Identify areas for change.
6. Set Your Course: Based on your values, set intentions for your daily actions and choices.
7. Evolve and Adapt: Regularly revisit and adjust your values as you grow and change.

Still struggling to think about values? Ordinarily, completing questions should be done alongside therapy and with the oversight of a therapist, but there’s no harm in having a look at completing the Valued Living Questionnaire (VLQ) to see what comes up for you. It might help identify areas in your life that you value and what’s missing. You can also take a look at this exercise: ‘A Quick Look at Your Values’ by Russ Harris.

Furthermore, throughout the UK, ACT courses are generally available through local charitable organisations and through NHS avenues. If ACT is something you want to learn more about, ‘The Happiness Trap’ is as good a start as any. Alternatively, visit your local mental health hub like MIND or speak with wellbeing/mental health workers at your GP surgery.

So to wrap it all up, incorporating values into our daily life is not just about self-improvement; it’s about living authentically and meaningfully. As we navigate the complexities of life, our values offer a steady light, guiding us towards a path of well-being and fulfilment. By embracing our values, we can transform challenges into opportunities for growth and find greater satisfaction in our journey.

Further Reading

• Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
• Harris, R. (2020). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT (2nd ed.). Exisle Publishing.